the lapis cream chronicles ::::::: oxeans of tears
by e.b woodhouse
Summary: the first xhapter in the ::::::: oxeans of tears saga ;;;;;;; WHALING ;;;;;;; (xhapter one) lapis and sour cream learn a lot about each other in this exciting prologue. includes the neologisms;;;;;;;MURMBLED;;;;;;;which means to mumble and grumble at the same time! and;;;;;;;FORCSED;;;;;;; which means a forced, or unsolicited, fusion.. thanks for reading, enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

garnest amethyst and pearl, and steven! rode out on an oldtimey boat into the ocean. also greg and andy and boudailia and sour cream where there, all of them together on uncle andy's boat.  
well wouldn't you know a ruckus was struck up and had everyone a jibbering and a jabbering about this and that. that's when steven fused with boudaila and became stevailia. connie sure would get jealous if she saw this pearl thought, when she first saw stevailia strut her shameless smelly clampch about in a short cut tee and booty skirt.  
"how ya'll like my bootie skirt" stevailia said.

"gee whiz, i can't rave to THIS!" sour cream murmbled. he threw an uncracked pack of glow sticks into the ocean gloomily.  
that's when lapis showed up.  
"hey." she said, with a moody disinterest, as though she were challenging sour cream to conversation.  
"hey." he replied with so much sarcasm that she realized how cool sour cream really was. he was an even spread of tangy cool cream to her ever scorched and besorrowed heart.

just then, stevailia saw the two moodsters conversing and grew jealous.  
"hahahahah hear i came lapis" and then with no warning stevailia jumped onto lapis and **forcesed** with her into stevailiapis.

"no" sour cream screamed. he had a lot of sadness about this situation. here was his lover, here was his mother, just then garnets future vision probed his brain and he saw his possible fusion, sourtigone, dragged away to death in some malbegotten crypt.

luckily, to spare any further awkwardness, paerl sighted a whale.

everyone gathered around, super eager and forgetful of past woes. when they looked upon the grand gray blue majesty of nature they felt a unvirsal oneness calling upon them to beshackle themselves from anguish and woe. the dance of the great water beasts even solicited tears from the usually stoic and erect, andy, who cried stoically over the beasts of the water that were so great.

"here we go a whalin!" paerl yelped, thinking that she was bringing the group together and really hightening the mood when all that her expositionary and pathetically despereate at best attempts at communication elicited were uncomfortable cringes and a general lowering of group interest.

they sloughed through it though. better that then endure her whiddling nagging for zeus knows how long.

"that's it, great team work everyone." said garnet. once everyone else was distracted by her praise garnet took the time to go ahead and look right at sour cream they looked eyes and the ever seeing fusion winked at sour cream, revelling in his misery. normaly garnet was chill, but something about that pussyboi bitch white boy sour cream brought out her mean side.

"you think you can threaten my family?. rarg" Garnet wailed with fury as she assailed the whale. She wailed on that whale something fearsome and didn't let up until it was battered and dazed.

the whale began crying out in distress. even though the resultant nautico-mammalian song was sourced from despair it was beautiful, as all whale song is. but none of the nearby sealife cared to respond, the whales were all so boring. come on. really.'

who cares about a whale?

do you?

sure as cancer you don't, not really. you wouldn't take a bullet for a whale. maybe you won't buy celebrity signature scents that use whale oil but you still wouldn't die for one.

"you're too busy with your stupid blogging!" garnet yelled and killed you.  
then, all the crystal gems came out of your computer and were like, "whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. look at this stupid dead person. only idiots die."


	2. Xrystal Ronaldo

once garnet emethyst and pearl, and stevailiapis! got bored of mocking your corpse they went down to the bank to sign up for high interest savings accounts.

five years later.

garnet, her crystal gem collueges and stevailiapis had all made it big on the stock market and were all jaded business people with coke habits to timbuktu. then sour cream came over. and he brought a buddy along with him. it was randaldo.

ronaldo had long again met his own crystal heroine... her name was... crystal meth. this gem coulndn't fuse with other gems, but she could talk to you and show you godhead if you injected enough of her into you. that was her special kind of fusion and crystal renaldo used it to lose a lot of weight super fast while gaining confidence and energy to pursue his important and groundbreaking whimsies.

"is it true that you use pizza resturaunts as a front for getting t.v. shows off the air?" crystalnaldo stammered while waggering what he thought was a microphone but was really a dinged, roughly used syringe with a little bit of that sweet sweet shard crusting about the rusty, aids infexted blood staind tip in garnet amethyst and paerl and stevailapis!'s faces.

"it's good to see you, son, you look well," said stevailiapis!

sour cream scuffed his shoes on the shitsmeared floor, "yea. sure. i guess." whatever, he thought.

"why is it so bright in here!" ranaldo yelt and scrambled for the exit, he almost made it out, getting as far as halfway out the front door when the ultra powerful heavy hitter, stevailiapis! dragged him struggling and fusing like a hynena in a branmble patch out and into the center of the room.

garnet sighed. this was the part of the job she hated the most.

"there's nothing else for it then," she sighed, heartbroken, "i have to sentence you to execution, for the sake of all gem kind," ... 


End file.
